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  The hands began to stroke his ankles, then began to move purposefully towards his groin, the nails dragging against his skin, scratching and teasing. He flinched as nails ran over his knees. “You’re driving me crazy,” he gasped.

  The hands reached his balls and the nails scratched against his scrotum, then they slowly circled his dick. For a few seconds there was no movement at all, and then she began to pump him, slowly at first and then faster.

  “Yes, God yes,” he moaned. Then the pumping stopped and he thought that she was teasing him again but then he felt warm breath on his dick and then her tongue slowly licked him from the base to the tip, then she paused before taking him in her mouth.

  “Oh my God,” he said. He reached for her hair but she slapped his hand away and she slid him out of her mouth.

  He realised what was happening. If he touched her, she’d stop. He sighed. “Okay, okay,” he said, raising his hands above his head and surrendering to her.

  He felt her warm breath again and then her mouth enveloped him and she began to move her head up and down. She cupped his balls with one hand as she continued to work her mouth up and down. It was like being enveloped in warm water, there was next to no pressure, just a pulsing sensation that made him grow harder by the second.

  “Oh my God,” he moaned. “That’s just…. Oh my God…”

  He gave himself over to the sensation; it was as if nothing else existed other than his dick and her mouth. She began to move her head faster and faster and she gently squeezed his balls as if she knew that he was about to come. He didn’t want it to end, he wanted it to go on forever, but he could feel the pressure building.

  “I’m going to come,” he moaned. “Oh God, I’m going to come.”

  He thought that she might take her mouth away because he knew that some girls, even ones that had been working the bars for years, didn’t like the guy to come in their mouth, but she carried on working his dick and balls, harder and more insistent now.

  Dave’s hips began to move as if they had a life of their own. She matched his rhythm and he groaned as he pounded into her mouth. Images flashed through his mind. Zed’s young breasts. Her mother’s soft mouth. Lek’s long legs. Zed’s sister’s soft hair. He had no idea which of them was working on him but he was past caring. He felt his balls about to explode and he fought to prolong it but then his groin turned liquid and he let it go. His dick twitched as he came, pumping semen into the soft warm mouth. She kept him in his mouth until he was spent, then she slowly licked him clean as she continued to caress his balls.

  “That was amazing,” whispered Dave. He reached down to stroke her hair but a hand swatted his away. “Okay, okay, I get it,” he said. “No touching. But at least tell me who you are.”

  The mattress moved, there was a swish as she moved through the mosquito net, then the door scraped open and closed. He heard a dog bark, and footsteps. Then silence. Dave tried to sit up but he had no strength at all and he lay where he was, gasping for breath. His erection gradually subsided and his breathing became even and regular and then he slipped into a deep sleep.

  He woke up to the sound of a cock crowing. He wrapped his towel around his waist and padded over to the bathroom under the main house. Zed’s mother was already there, chopping vegetables with a large cleaver. She smiled at him and Dave nodded, wondering if she was smiling because of what had happened the previous night. He winked at her and she laughed.

  As he threw bowlfuls of warm water over his body, he decided that it had been Zed’s mother. He doubted that Zed would have been so willing to give him a blow job, and Zed’s sister was probably taking care of her baby. It was a pity that Zed’s mother didn’t speak better English because he would really like to see her again. No one had ever touched him the way she had, and her oral was the best he’d ever had, and Dave had received a hell of a lot of blow jobs over the years. He felt himself growing hard so he pushed thoughts of Zed’s mother from his mind. He dried himself, wrapped the towel around his waist, and walked out of the bathroom. Lek was standing there and she grinned when she saw him. “Did you sleep well?” she asked.

  Dave wondered if she was teasing him, if she wanted him to know that she was the one who had visited him during the night. “Sure,” he said. “What about you?”

  “Couldn’t sleep,” she said. “Too horny.” She brushed past him and slipped into the bathroom.

  Dave ran a hand over his shaved head. Now he was confused. If it had been Lek, that would have explained the blow job, because as a go-go dancer, and a pretty one, she had probably done it hundreds of times.

  He went back to his shack and put on his jeans and clean shirt and packed his bag. It was just before eight and the minibus was due at any minute. As he left the shack he saw Zed coming down the steps of the main house, holding her bag.

  “Good morning,” he said.

  “Good morning,” she said. She put down her bag and to his surprise she kissed him on the cheek. “You’re a good man, Dave,” she said.

  “Thank you,” said Dave.

  “You help my family, you have a good heart.”

  “I’m happy to help you, Zed. Happy to help your family.”

  A horn sounded and the minibus pulled up in front of the house.

  “Dave, when we in Bangkok, you can pay my barfine.”

  “Really?” said Dave.

  Zed nodded seriously. “You good man for me and good man for my family. You have good heart. I can go with you.” She kissed him on the cheek again.

  Dave smiled. “Thanks,” he said.

  “You can be my first customer,” she said, and giggled.

  “Okay,” said Dave. “Zed, did you come to me last night?”

  Zed nodded, and giggled again. “Yes,” she said.

  Her answer took Dave by surprise because he didn’t think that a girl as young as Zed could have been capable of giving him such an amazing sexual experience. “Really?” he said.

  She nodded again. “Yes, in my dream.” She giggled and covered her mouth with her hand.

  “No, I mean did you come to my room last night?”

  The minibus driver sounded his horn again. The three girls from the bar were walking down the road carrying their bags. They waved at Zed and she waved back and shouted something to them in Thai.

  “Zed, last night? Did you give me a massage and…” She looked at him, confused. “Forget it,” he said. “It doesn’t matter.”

  Lek came over, carrying her bag. “Time to go,” she said.

  Zed went over to her mother and Dave followed. Zed waied her mother, and Dave did the same.

  “Kop khun ka,” said Zed’s mother.

  “She says thank you,” said Zed. “Thank you for everything you do.”

  “No problem,” said Dave. Zed’s mother smiled and he couldn’t help look at her soft inviting mouth and wonder if it had indeed been the mother who’d massaged him the previous night. “Lek, did you come into my room last night?”

  “Me? Did you want me to? I thought you liked Zed, not me.”

  “I do like Zed. But I thought…”

  “What? I don’t understand?”

  “Did you…” He shrugged. He could see from the confused look on her face that she hadn’t a clue what he was talking about. “Forget it.”

  The minibus driver beeped the horn again. “Time to go,” said Lek. “We have to work tonight.”

  Lek went over to the minibus and threw her bag in the back. Dave picked up Zed’s bag and waited for her to finish saying goodbye to her mother.

  Zed came over and took her bag from him. “My mother very happy,” she said. “She said you good man for help her.” Dave and Zed walked over to the minibus. The three girls were already in their seats and Zed and Lek climbed into the back. Dave tossed his bag in and took his place in the middle of the minibus. One of the three girls in the front pulled the door shut.

  Dave waved through the window at Zed’s mother. Zed’s sister came down the steps of
the main house and Dave waved at her, too. She gave him a wai in return.

  As Dave waved, he saw a face appear at the window of the wooden shack to the right of the main house. It was an old man, his face weathered and wrinkled, his skin the same colour as the teak house “Who is that?” asked Dave, pointing at the old man.

  ‘Zed’s grandfather.” said Lek. “He’s very old and bit crazy.’

  “Crazy? In what way?” The old man grinned. He didn’t seem to have any teeth, his mouth was a red gaping hole.

  Lek shrugged. “He’s just very old. Almost ninety. He forgets things. They keep him locked in his house most of the time because sometimes he wanders away.’

  Zed said something in rapid Thai and Lek nodded. “He got out last night.” she said. ‘They found him walking around at three o’clock in the morning.’ She shook her head sadly. “It’s such a pity. He used to be very famous, he ran one of the best massage schools in Thailand.’

  Dave stiffened. “Massage?”

  The old man was still grinning. He raised a gnarled hand and waved slowly.

  Lek nodded. “He was amazing. He studied Thai massage at Wat Po, but he developed his own technique and he even massaged at the Palace. He was very, very famous. No one could do Thai massage like him. They said that his fingers were magic.’

  “Magic fingers?” said Dave. He had a sick feeling in the pit of his stomach. The old man was still waving. As Dave watched, the old man’s tongue flicked out and licked his upper lip. The massage he’d had the previous night had been magic, there was no doubt about that. Magic. And the mouth that had swallowed his load had been soft and warm and on reflection, almost certainly lacking teeth. “What’s his name?” asked Dave, wondering if there was some upside to what had happened to him the previous night.

  “Somchai,” said Lek. “Khun Somchai, the massage king.”

  Dave pulled his baseball cap down over his face. “Let’s go back to Bangkok,” he said.

  “Are you okay?” asked Lek. “You look a bit ill.”

  “Just go,” said Dave.

  Dave stopped playing the Alphabet Game after that. He never went back to Zed’s bar, either. He said the fun had gone out of the game. I can’t say I blame him.

  THE PREGNANT WIFE

  The Land of Smiles, they call it. Well I’m not smiling, I can tell you. I had a wife in Thailand, and I had a daughter. And now I’ve lost them both. And it was my own bloody fault. The wife wasn’t mine, though, I have to admit that. She was married to someone else. But the daughter was mine. Even though I never saw her, and now I never will.

  How did I get in this state? Playing the numbers, that’s how. I wanted free sex and I found the perfect way to get it. I just didn’t realise that in the process I’d lose the love of my life. And my daughter.

  My name’s Dave, Dave Taylor, and I’m twenty-eight. I work as a teacher in a Thai school on the outskirts of Bangkok. It pays quite well and there are plenty of holidays and I get to do some private tutoring on my days off so I have quite a good life, everything considered. I didn’t move to Thailand for the career prospects, hardly anyone does. Like most guys, I came for the girls. Literally. Thais girls are the prettiest girls in the world, no question. I came out for the first time two years ago with a group of guys from work. I was a solicitor in Derby, doing mainly conveyancing work. Boring as hell, but it paid okay and at least I had a job. Only half the guys who graduated with me found work as solicitors; the rest are either on the dole, driving cabs or working in fast food restaurants.

  We had a blast. A couple of my workmates were Thailand regulars so they knew exactly where to go to get the biggest bangs for our bucks. We were in Pattaya most of the time and I got laid every day. I’ve never seen a place like Pattaya, it has to be the biggest brothel in the world. We spent the day by the pool and the nights in the bars and massage parlours and I had the time of my life. I had more sex in two weeks than I’d had in my whole life. The girls were just throwing themselves at me. Wherever I went, girls would smile and say how handsome I was and pretty much every girl I met wanted to go with me. Seriously. I was almost having to fight them off. Don’t get me wrong, I got laid in England, but it was never handed to me on a plate like it was in Thailand. In Thailand I never got knocked back, not once. If I wanted a girl, I had her. Simple as that. I was paying for it, but that didn’t worry me one bit. Not back then, anyway. We were on holiday and living like rock stars.

  There was a street with bars on both sides with rooms upstairs where you could have sex with the girls. As you walked down the street all the girls would call out, telling you how good-looking you were and how they wanted to go with you. It was unbelievable. Amazing.

  Then there were the massage parlours where you could have a bath with two girls and then they’d cover themselves with soap and rub themselves all over you. I had half a dozen threesomes while I was in Pattaya. Brilliant. It was like a sexual Disneyland.

  We’d hit the go-go bars after nine o’clock and they were just out of this world. Drop dead gorgeous naked girls dancing around chrome poles, all of them gagging for it. They’d go with you short time at the drop of a hat and if you paid them more they’d stay with you all night.

  I had so many girls that I lost count. And most of them gave me their phone numbers and email addresses. It was as if I’d suddenly become Brad Pitt. I hated getting on the plane back to the UK and I swore to myself I’d move to Thailand the first chance I got. The problem was it’s next to impossible for a foreigner to work in Thailand. They certainly wouldn’t allow me to work as a solicitor. I had two options really – to save as much money as I could and take a few years off, or to find a job. I started scouring various websites about living in Thailand and soon stumbled across the Stickman website. Stick’s a Kiwi who used to work as an English teacher but gave it up to run a website about all things Thai. He said the easiest way to live and work in Thailand is to become an English teacher. The money isn’t great but there’s no problem getting a work visa.

  I spent the next few months getting a TEFL – Teaching English as a Foreign Language – qualification and then I quit and flew back to Thailand on a one-way ticket. Within a week I’d landed a job teaching English at an upscale Thai school in Soi 67 and found a small apartment a ten-minute walk away. I was set.

  For the first year or so I spent most of my evenings in the bars of Nana Plaza and Soi Cowboy and my nights bedding go-go dancers and hookers. I probably had close to two hundred girls, I kid you not; so many that I can barely remember any of them. Cost me a small fortune, it did, because while hookers are cheaper in Thailand than they are in the West; they don’t do it for free.

  You have to buy them drinks and then pay their barfine so they can leave with you and they usually want at least two thousand baht for short-time and three thousand baht of they stay with you all night. So having sex with a go-go dancer can easily cost you sixty quid or more. I went out to Thailand with about ten grand in the bank and I went through pretty much all of it in the first six months. I started to go easier then, but I was still paying for sex. I know what they say – everyone pays for sex one way or another. You either pay for a hooker or you spend money on a girlfriend or a wife: either way you pay. I clearly couldn’t go on spending money like there was no tomorrow. It took me a year to work out a way of getting laid for free – without the hassle of having a regular girlfriend.

  I first heard about ThaiLoveLinks on the Stickman site. He runs adverts for ThaiLoveLinks and other dating sites and said it was a great way of meeting girls. I followed his advice and put up a profile and a photograph of me wearing decent jeans and a polo shirt, taken at a distance so you could make out that I was young and slim and Western but not so close that you could see my face. I didn’t want anyone at the school to know what I was doing, for obvious reasons.

  I took a great deal of care with my profile. I made it clear what I didn’t want. I didn’t want a bargirl, or a former bargirl. Once a girl had sold sex she wa
sn’t likely to start giving it away for free. I didn’t want anyone with a kid, and I didn’t want anyone who had a husband, current or former. I didn’t want tattoos. Not even a cute butterfly on the ankle. In my experience a tattoo on a Thai girl means one of two things – she’s been in prison or worked in a bar. So no tattoos. I wanted long hair, because I like girls with long hair. And I wanted her to be taller than five feet. It’s not that I don’t like short girls, it’s just that I’m quite tall and I feel like a child molester walking down the street hand-in-hand with a girl under five feet. I said they had to live in Bangkok, because I wasn’t up for travelling around Thailand on dates.

  I was specific about age, too. I didn’t want to hear from anyone over twenty-six. I know there are plenty of fit Thai girls in their thirties and I’d been with more than my fair share of thirty-something go-go dancers, but I figured I had to draw the line somewhere so I drew it at twenty-six.

  I didn’t go into too much detail about myself. I said I was from England, that I was twenty-eight and that I had a good job in Bangkok. I didn’t say I was a teacher; I could tell them that when I eventually spoke to them. I said I spoke a bit of Thai – which was true – and that I planned to stay in Thailand – also true. I said I wanted a good girl who was looking to settle down and have a family. Now that wasn’t the truth. Not even close to it. But I figured if I said I was looking for sex I’d get the wrong sort of replies. And if I said I was looking for free sex then I wouldn’t get any replies at all.

  Anyway, I put up my profile and waited to see what would happen. I was inundated. Seriously. More than thirty replies on the first day. Forty on the second. At the weekend I was getting a dozen every hour. It was a flood. A tsunami.

  Now it has to be said that most of the women who were contacting me just hadn’t read my profile. About half of them were living outside Bangkok, for a start. Most of them were in Isarn - the poorest part of the country – in cities like Udon Thani, Korat, Surin and Buriram. Quite a few were from Pattaya, which has more go-go bars and hookers than Bangkok, so no surprises there.