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  Laura broke away from Lek. She was panting and her face was flushed. ‘Jimmy, they know what they’re doing,’ she said. ‘Just go with the flow.’ Lek’s hand slipped between Laura’s legs and she gasped. ‘Oh God,’ she moaned and turned to kiss Lek again. Ann handed me the towels and then she and Lek led Laura over to the bed.

  Ann and Laura lay on the bed together and began kissing. I was surprised at how enthusiastic Laura was about returning the kiss. I saw her tongue flicking in and out of Ann’s mouth and that’s not something she ever did with me. When she kissed me she was always quite reserved, and she never seemed to like it when my tongue slipped inside her mouth. But as she lay there with Ann’s arms around her, I saw her sucking on Ann’s tongue as they ground their hips together.

  I was just about to get onto the bed when Lek beat me to it. She squeezed herself against Laura’s back and began caressing her hip and thigh as Laura kissed Ann.

  Laura rolled over and began kissing Lek as Ann licked her shoulder and slid her hand between Laura’s thighs.

  ‘Come on, this is stupid,’ I said. ‘Let me at least kiss my wife.’

  Ann broke off from licking Laura’s shoulder. ‘You can shower,’ she said.

  ‘What?’

  She pointed at the bath. ‘You shower first.’

  I nodded. ‘Okay, okay.’ I hurried over to the bath, dropped the towel and showered using the shower attachment. Ann joined Lek in massaging oil into Laura’s back and legs. They moved slowly and sensually, their movements co-ordinated perfectly. Every now and again a hand would slip in between Laura’s thighs and she’d gasp and wriggle and the girls would giggle.

  Lek sat up and reached for a bottle of Johnson’s baby oil on a shelf, flicked off the cap and began to pour the contents over Laura. Laura squealed but her squeals were stifled by Ann’s mouth and before long the entire bottle had been poured over her. The two girls began massaging the oil into her skin, paying particular attention to her thighs and breasts.

  By the time I’d finished showering, Laura’s body was glistening with oil. I climbed out of the bath and towelled myself dry. Ann moved to the side so that Lek could lie on top of Laura. Then, slowly and sensually, she began to give Laura a full body massage.

  As Lek moved up and down the length of Laura’s body, Ann gently stroked Laura’s hair. I swear to God that Laura was purring like a kitten and she kept grinding her backside up against Lek, pushing herself against the Thai girl. Lek moved up and down, her mouth open as she panted like an animal in heat.

  ‘All right girls, let the dog see the rabbit,’ I said. My erection had returned with a vengeance and I tossed my towel onto the tiled floor.

  Laura rolled over onto her back and opened her legs. Lek slid down and started kissing Laura’s thighs while Ann gently massaged Laura’s breasts. ‘Wait, please,’ said Ann. ‘We take care Madam first.’ Then in a smooth movement she got up onto her knees and straddled Laura’s face. I was sure that Laura would object but she didn’t, she began to lick and suck Ann and her hands reached up to cup Ann’s formidable breasts.

  Ann was facing me and she smiled as she rubbed herself against my wife’s face. ‘Madam she like,’ she said.

  Yes, Madam did like. She was licking Ann as if she was possessed and then she reached down with her right hand and stroked the back of Lek’s head as if encouraging her to put her tongue deeper inside her. Her hips were bucking up and down as if they had a life of their own and from between Ann’s legs I could hear a soft grunting sound.

  My erection died again. It was one of the most erotic things I’d ever seen, no question of that, but the fact that I was being excluded took all the fun out of it for me. It was a threesome, all right, but it was a threesome that needed absolutely no input from me.

  I’d never seen Laura as turned on as she was on the bed with the two girls. Every bit of her body was moving, her mouth, her arms, her legs, her groin, and she was now bathed in sweat and her hair was damp.

  Her breathing was coming faster and faster and I realised that she was about to come for a second time. I sat down on the edge of the bed and reached out to stroke her leg but she kicked me away. In all the years I’d known her, she’d never come twice in one night. She’d always said that she couldn’t, that once was enough for her. But here she was, writhing on the bed with two girls she’d only met an hour earlier. It was as if she was possessed.

  Ann was also breathing heavily and she reached up to press Laura’s hands against her breasts. I could see Laura’s knuckles whiten as her fingers tightened on Ann’s breasts. Ann gasped, her eyes still on mine as she pushed herself against Laura’s mouth.

  As I watched, Ann threw back her head and moaned like an animal in pain. Her whole body shuddered and then she went still. Lek laughed and sat back. Ann started to laugh too and then she dropped forward and began licking Laura between the legs.

  I moved along the bed, trying to kiss Laura but Lek beat me to it. Ann moved to the side and she knocked me off the bed and I landed on the floor, heavily. ‘Oh for fuck’s sake,’ I said, but no one was paying me any attention.

  As Ann slid down Laura’s body, peppering her stomach with soft kisses, Lek moved to straddle Laura’s face. She was facing the wall and put her hands up to steady herself as Laura began to kiss and lick her.

  Ann was stroking Laura’s breasts as she licked her between the legs and again I could hear muffled moans from Laura. I sat on the edge of the bed and reached for Laura’s leg but the moment I touched her she kicked me away.

  Ann’s backside was up in the air and my erection was back and for a moment I thought about having sex with her from behind but crazy as it sounds that would have meant I was being unfaithful and the whole point of my fantasy threesome was that I was making love to my wife. So I stood at the end of the bed with my hand on my hips and watched as the two Thai girls continued to work on her, arousing her in a way that I never had. Laura’s hips began to buck up and down and her muffled moans became cries and then her whole body trembled and she lay still.

  Lek rolled off her and sat with her back to the wall, her face bathed in sweat.

  Ann sat up, wiped her mouth with the back of her hand, then crawled up the bed and lay next to Laura. Laura put her arm around her and kissed her on the forehead. ‘Thank you,’ she whispered.

  ‘Thank you, Madam,’ said Ann, stroking Laura’s breasts.

  ‘Laura,’ she said. ‘Call me Laura, not Madam.’

  ‘You very beautiful, Laura,’ whispered Ann.

  ‘You too,’ said Laura, and this time they kissed mouth to mouth.

  ‘You came twice?’ I asked Laura.

  She nodded. ‘I can’t believe it.’

  ‘You realise I haven’t come once?’ I said.

  Laura laughed. ‘I didn’t notice,’ she said.

  ‘Well we can remedy that now,’ I said, kneeling on the bed.

  ‘No time,’ said Ann, pointing at a clock on the wall. ‘Time up.’

  I looked at the clock. It was midnight. The ninety minutes had gone by in the blink of an eye. That’s what it felt like, anyway. ‘I can pay for another hour,’ I said.

  ‘Can not,’ said Ann. ‘Shop close at midnight.’

  ‘Are you kidding?’

  Lek shook her head solemnly. ‘Not kidding,’ she said. ‘Have to go now.’

  ‘You can come tomorrow,’ said Ann. ‘We take care of you good tomorrow.’

  ‘We’re going back to England tomorrow,’ I said. I waved my hand through the air. ‘Aeroplane. To England.’

  ‘Have a good trip,’ said Lek. She skipped off the bed and over to the bath. She climbed in and began showering.

  ‘Can you believe this?’ I asked Laura.

  ‘You said you only wanted a massage,’ she said.

  ‘I didn’t even get that,’ I said. ‘I got a shower, that’s what I got. And I had to do that myself.’

  Ann went over to join Lek in the bath. I sat down on the bed and put my hand on Laura�
�s hip. She realised what I wanted but she shook her head. ‘We don’t have time,’ she said. ‘You heard Ann, they close at midnight.’

  ‘Come on, just a quickie.’ I reached for her breasts but she slapped my hand away. She rolled off the bed and ran over to the bath. Ann and Lek giggled as she climbed in and they took it in turns to wash her down with the shower attachment. I pulled on my clothes. I was bloody unhappy about the way it had gone, obviously. And it wasn’t made any better by the fact that Lek and Ann kept kissing Laura in the bath.

  I sat on the bed and waited for them to finish showering. The two girls helped dress Laura before pulling on their t-shirts and shorts. Then they walked over to me and gave me a wai. I tried to smile but really I didn’t have much to smile about.

  Ann held out her hand. ‘Three thousand baht,’ she said.

  ‘What for?’ I asked.

  ‘One thousand five hundred for me, one thousand five hundred for Lek. For special massage.’

  ‘Special massage?’

  ‘For Madam. We give special massage to Madam. Have to pay. Three thousand baht.’

  ‘But I didn’t get a massage,’ I said. ‘I didn’t get anything.’

  ‘For fuck’s sake, Jimmy, stop being an arsehole and pay them,’ snapped Laura.

  I looked at her in amazement but winced when I saw the look of disgust on her face. I pulled out my wallet and handed Ann three thousand baht. She pocketed the money and the two Thai girls waied me.

  Laura and I took a taxi back to the hotel. She hardly said a word to me for the rest of the night, and she slept with her back to me, holding a pillow. We had breakfast in the room and she read the Bangkok Post as we ate and she said nothing during the taxi ride to the airport.

  I checked us in and we went through immigration and sat in the lounge, the silence just getting longer and longer. I kept asking her what was wrong and she said ‘nothing’. You know you’re in trouble when you ask you wife what’s wrong and she won’t look you in the eye and all she says is ‘nothing’.

  I got her a cup of coffee and sat next to her but she kept turning away. ‘Is it because I took you for the massage?’ I said. Of course it was. What else could it have been? But she just shook her head and said that she was fine.

  Fine? That’s as bad as ‘nothing’. When your wife says the problem is ‘nothing’ and that everything is ‘fine’ you know that you are so deep in shit that they’ll need a submarine to find you.

  She stayed quiet on the twelve-hour flight back to London. We picked up the car and I drove us back to Skegness. That night she slept in the spare room, curled up with her pillow and refusing to even acknowledge me.

  She stayed in the spare room all day except for when she went down to the kitchen for tea and toast.

  I kept asking her what was wrong and she’d just give me a little smile and shake her head and say ‘nothing’.

  After two days of the silent treatment, I woke up to find that she’d packed two suitcases and gone. She left a note for me in the kitchen. She said that she would always be grateful to me for showing her what she really wanted. I wasn’t sure if she was being sarcastic or not. She said that she loved me but she knew now that her love was more like the sort of love that a sister had for a brother. She’d been living a lie and now she wanted to be the person she was supposed to be. And she said she hoped I wouldn’t hate her.

  She’d taken her passport and I knew where she’d gone. Thailand. A few days later a solicitor contacted me to tell me she’d sold the shop to one of our competitors. He wanted to rebrand it and put in his own people and that meant I was out on my ear. Then the solicitor said I had a choice – I could either buy Laura’s share of the house or it would be sold. Laura had told him that she had no plans to return to the UK and she wanted to sell the house. I didn’t have the money, of course, and with no job there was no way I could pay an increased mortgage, so the house was sold. The market was down and we were lucky to get enough to pay off the existing mortgage so I walked away with nothing. Absolutely nothing. I had no choice other than to move in with my parents. They were as thrilled about it as I was.

  A few weeks after she left, I emailed Stickman in Bangkok and asked him to see if he could confirm that Laura had gone back to Thailand. I sent him a couple of hundred pounds by Western Union and he took the case. He got back to me a week later. He’d been to Teen Massage and tried to find the two girls who had given her the massage. They’d gone. According to the woman who ran the place, a pretty farang woman had turned up and taken them with her. That was obviously Laura. The woman said they were now all living together in a villa in Phuket. Stickman said he could probably track them down but that it would take time and money. I figured there would be no point, right? She’d made her choice, there was no way she was ever going to change her mind.

  So, like I said at the beginning, be careful what you wish for, because you might get it. I got my threesome all right, but it ruined my life. I lost everything. It was all my own fault. If I hadn’t put her together with the two Thai girls we’d still be living happily ever after in Skegness. I’d have a wife and a job and probably kids down the line. But now I’ve got nothing. Absolutely nothing. And the kicker is that I didn’t even get to join in the threesome. Serves me right, I suppose.

  THE ALPHABET GAME

  This happened to a friend of mine, cross my heart and hope to die. He told me the story one night while we were sitting outside Pretty Lady Bar in Nana Plaza. He’d had a fair bit to drink which is why he opened up because I don’t think he would have told me otherwise. His name’s Dave and he’s from some northern town in the United Kingdom, Newcastle or Durham, one of those cities where you struggle to understand what they’re saying. Dave drove a minicab in the UK and saved every penny so that he could take three holidays a year in Thailand. Dave had started going bald at a young age and by the time he’d hit his late twenties he’d thrown in the towel and shaved off what little hair he had left. He’d been a bit of a boxer in his youth and had acquired a broken nose and a couple of tattoos and by the time he hit thirty he wasn’t doing particularly well in the female stakes. To put it bluntly, the average English girl found Dave as attractive as a case of cystitis.

  The way Dave tells it, he had a dry spot lasting three years until one of his pals suggested a boy’s trip to Thailand. The Land Of Smiles changed Dave’s life forever. In the bars of Bangkok and Pattaya he wasn’t a bald tattooed bruiser; he was Khun Dave, a Hansum Man. On his first trip he had more sex in ten days than he’d had over the previous five years and he was hooked. By the time I’d run into him he had made a dozen trips to Thailand and knew pretty much every go-go bar and massage parlour worth knowing. Dave would have loved to have moved to Thailand, but the only jobs he’d be able to do would pay him a fraction of what he earned in the UK. So he worked and saved and three times a year came to Thailand and lived like a king.

  It was on his third or fourth trip when Dave had started playing what he called The Alphabet Game. He’d been sitting in a Soi Cowboy go-go bar, as horny as hell, when he’d spotted a fit young dancer doing her thing around a chrome pole. He’d waved her over and bought her a drink and started the normal back and forth. “Where you from?”, “what your name?”, “what hotel you stay?” Her name was Ay. Dave had barfined a few Ays during his frequent trips to The Land Of Smiles, it was a pretty common nickname. She was from Korat, in the north-east of the country, tall and as fit as a butcher’s dog with enhanced breasts and a tattoo of a scorpion on her shoulder. Ay pointed out another dancer, this one with a dragon tattooed down the side of one leg, and told him that she was her best friend, also from Korat. Her name was Bee.

  Dave had laughed at the names and bought both girls drinks, then at midnight he’d barfined them both and taken them to a short-time hotel. The sex, he told me, had been amazing. The two girls had obviously worked together before and he said they seemed to enjoy it as much as he did. Ay came at least three times he said, screaming so loud that
at one point Bee had put a pillow over her face. He spent an hour with them, then they went back to the bar and Dave went back to his hotel, a thousand-baht a night place close to Nana Plaza.

  As he lay alone in his bed, he started to think about Ay and Bee. The nicknames were quite common in Thailand. Parents gave their kids formal names, usually several syllables long, but they always also gave them short nicknames. A Thai might have different nicknames depending on the group they were in – family, friends or colleagues.

  Dave had already been with a Dee, a massage girl in Soi 23. And a girl called Eye who danced in Sheba’s in Soi Cowboy. And there had been a Jay in one of the upstairs bars in Nana Plaza and a Kay who had been a freelancer in the German Bar who had cost him three thousand baht for short-time and had given him the clap.

  He had once been long-time with a skinny dancer from Rainbow Four in Nana Plaza called Em. He’d been with a girl from Lao called Tee, which was as close to the end of the alphabet that he’d been. So in all he’d had eight letters of the alphabet, which was pretty good going. And that was when he’d come up with what he called The Alphabet Game. He decided to see if he could complete the full set and have sex with every letter of the alphabet. He realised that he was unlikely to meet a “Q” or a “W” but he figured he’d be able to find most of the missing letters if he looked hard enough.

  He would go from bar to bar, buy the mamasan a drink, and start asking her about the names of the girls who worked for her. He was careful because he knew that the mamasans were devious when it came to money and they’d happily lie about a girl’s name if that would encourage him to pay her bar fine. Anyway, he found an Oh pretty quickly, a chubby girl who danced in Sheba’s, and the following day he barfined a Gee in the Long Gun Bar in Soi Cowboy.

  He had to go back to the UK to replenish his coffers, but as soon as he got back to the Land Of Smiles he went straight into game mode. He found an Isarn girl called Elle working in a pool bar near Soi 7 and while she wasn’t at all pretty and the sex had been perfunctory at best, she still counted. He heard about a go-go dancer called Cee who worked in Baby Dolls Bar in Pattaya. She was a popular girl and he had to visit the bar half a dozen times before he managed to barfine her and even then she would only stay an hour for fifteen hundred baht. Cee was a trooper, she was on top of him almost as soon as they set foot in his hotel room, he came within three minutes and she left without even showering. It wasn’t Dave’s greatest Thailand sexual experience, but it still counted.